My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
