and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
