It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
