i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
