how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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