I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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