eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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