I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
