it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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