it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
