I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
