"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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