he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
