Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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