Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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