I'm sorry my penis didn't work
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Randomize
