I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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