is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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