You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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