So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
