I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
