My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
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The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
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I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
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