Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
