So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
