You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
