My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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