Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Do vagina's smell?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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