Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
