If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I didn't notice because vodka
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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