He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
