...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
