I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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