The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
A bitchslap is in order.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
