i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
