I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
