Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
