this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
