I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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