It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He shit in the fireplace
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
