yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
