Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
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