Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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