my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
