lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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