I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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