I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
