I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
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I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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