So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
if only i could text you this smell
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
