no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
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if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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