There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
My life is pants optional.
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