you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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