you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
