so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
