1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
