Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
