just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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