I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
