I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
