I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
