He is such a slut. More and more my type.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
