Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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