hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
