just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
